Matsuda, You Idiot
by Raining Bananas
Summary: Due to an error in one of Watari's inventions, L and Matsuda have switched bodies. While in L's body, Matsuda does some pretty interesting things. What's worse is that Matsuda has diabetes, so L can't have his cake. How will they ever survive?


**Raining Bananas here! (Aka greamish and MissMeha611).**

**After they switch bodies, we refer to them as L in Matsuda's body for L, then Matsuda in L's body for Matsuda. If that makes any sense.**

**Enjoy!  
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><p>Quillish Wammy was an excellent inventor. Not that many people really knew who was doing the inventing.<p>

But L did, so he came to Watari with a problem one day, and Wammy invented the solution.

"Here it is," said Watari as he lead L and Matsuda into his room. A large, scary-looking machine stood in the middle of it, full of wires and levers and pieces of metal. Matsuda shuddered without meaning to.

"So what exactly does it do?"

Watari answered calmly, "It will raise your IQ to that of Ryuzaki's, which will be a great help to the investigation. Are you up for it?"

"YEAH!" Matsuda exclaimed. "I want to help as much as I can!"

Watari hooked up the machine to devices that he put on each of their heads. Then he pressed a few buttons. The invention whirred to life as the lights glowed on the helmets.

"Perfect… everything is… OH NO!" Smoke filled the room, electricity crackled. L screamed and fell out of his chair.

"WHY THE HELL AM I IN L'S BODY?" Matsuda in L's body screamed as he grabbed the helmet and yanked it off his head. L in Matsuda's body had a blank expression on his face. He slowly raised his thumb to his mouth and began biting the nail.

Watari looked extremely worried. "The machine malfunctioned, and you switched bodies."

Then L screamed and fell out of his chair.

Matsuda looked confused for a minute, but then a grin crept onto his face. "This is so cool!"

"Do you think you can fix it?" asked L.

"Yes, but it will take some time."

"How long? Can you finish it by tonight?"

"I think so."

L looked to Matsuda. "Don't tell anyone. Act as if you are me."

"What? Why?"

"Because Watari could get arrested. Plus, it would just be easier for work."

"Why would Watari get arrested?"

"Because this was illegal."

"Oh. Okay, then. This'll be fun!"

L glared at him and slouched away.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

The Task Force sat at their respective computers, each trying to do their part to catch Kira. That is, everyone except Matsuda. He crouched, staring off into space as he thought about the two geniuses on the team.

_Could it be something more than they let on? I mean, Ryuzaki did handcuff them together…and sometimes I see them stealing glances at each other. Their fight seemed too intimate…I will find out! I will discover the true nature of their relationship!_ Such was Matsuda's train of thought in an attempt to block out the pain that came with sitting like L.

"Cake, Ryuzaki?" Watari smiled knowingly as he set down a piece in front of him. Matsuda gasped and started to smile, then caught himself and stopped. He had to keep the amount of motion that played across his face to a minimum.

"Thank you, Watari," he said, coolly. Yes, that was exactly how L talked. He was getting good at this. He took a big bite of the cake and almost moaned at the heavenly taste.

L looked on at the scene, scowling as he waited impatiently for his piece.

Watari over to him and whispered, "He has diabetes."

L's world froze_. No…it can't be. Why me? Why him?_ He stood suddenly to hurry out of the room. Watari knew to follow.

"Matsuda has diabetes?" L wailed when they were in the kitchen. Matsuda's voice sounded more monotonous that usual, yet still irritated. Watari sighed.

"Yes, he does. I'm sorry Ryuzaki, but I won't allow you to endanger his health, so you may not eat sweets while you are in his body."

L looked horrified. "Please, Watari, fix the machine. I cannot go on without sweets!" L didn't realize he was clutching the front of Watari's suit until the inventor gently pulled away.

"I will do the best I can, but for now, you must get back to work," he soothed.

L hesitated, and then said, "Very well. I must not get upset. I will continue on as Matsuda until this is fixed. Please hurry, Watari." With that, he left.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"Hey, Light," Matsuda purred in an attempt at a sexy voice that kind of worked but sounded pretty creepy.

"What is it, Ryuzaki?" Light looked over to the man he was handcuffed to. He'd been acting a little odd today.

"You know…" he trailed off, tucking a piece of hair behind Light's ear. "You are pretty attractive." He didn't really know where he was going with this – he was pretty much making it up as went along.

Light looked shocked. He forced down the blush threatening to flame his cheeks.

"Shut up, Ryuzaki. You're being an idiot like Matsuda."

Matsuda had a very difficult time keeping his face blank_. Why does everyone think I'm so stupid?_ He thought in anguish. _Sure, I'm not a genius and have barely any experience but…really?_

"Fine," he said after a brief pause. "Let's keep working then." Light nodded and turned back to his computer. Matsuda turned to his and realized something: he had no idea what to do.

_Dammit…what should I do? I don't really want to ruin anything so…I'll just…close the tab and…open another. Let's see…what good animes are there? Yuki said "Papa to Kiss in the Dark" is good. I'll try it…okay…episode one…play._

Though the anime was disturbing, Matsuda quickly found himself entranced into the show. So he had no idea that Light was leaning over to look at his computer until-

"RYUZAKI!"

L walked into the room right as he heard his alias being called. Good god, what could Matsuda have done?

Light looked angrier than L had ever seen him. "We are in the middle of an investigation in which we are risking our lives to be here, and you are sitting there watching anime?"

L almost face-palmed.

"Well…" Matsuda looked away from Light to the ground. "It's just that…"

He was interrupted with a punch to the face from Light. The left side of his face hurt, but he managed to hold his ground. He didn't think he'd be able to for much longer. Matsuda had never been in a fight before. So, without thinking, he cried, "Nyah!" and slapped Light in the neck. Everyone looked at him in surprise – everyone but L, who buried his face in his hands.

Light pulled his head back, shocked. Ryuzaki was the kind of person who was competitive, who wanted to win everything. Why was he holding back now?

Matsuda was panicking. He didn't want to be punched again; nor did he want L to be pissed with him for injuring his body. So, in his freaked out, scared stiff brain, he chose the only other option he could see.

In a streak of intelligence (or stupidity) Matsuda brought his lips to Light's.

He wasted no time in moving his mouth against the genius's. If he was going to kiss another guy as L, he might as well enjoy the experience. Plus, this was a chance to see what Light really thought of Ryuzaki.

L was watching in total horror, embarrassment, and, if he was being honest with himself (which he was not), jealousy. _My dignity, my pride – ruined. Ruined by THAT IDIOT._

Light could not even begin to comprehend what was going on. It wouldn't be that bad if Ryuzaki had kissed him at an appropriate time, but no, he had to do it in front of the entire task force, including his dad. That would take a lot of explaining later on…. Even so, he felt himself responding to the kiss, his lips moving with the detective's.

Well, that would take some explaining, too. At least Misa wasn't here.

"Light-kun! Don't we have another-WHAT?"

Shit.

Matsuda and Light pulled away, both blushing furiously as they waited to feel the wrath of Misa Amane.

"LIGHT! How could you cheat on Misa-Misa with Ryuzaki?" Misa began to cry, fat tears rolling down her cheeks and dripping off her chin onto the floor.

L abruptly stood. Everyone looked at him in silence, except Misa, who was sniffling loudly. He slowly walked over to where Matsuda crouched, shoes clicking with each step.

Matsuda's eyes were screaming for forgiveness. L shook his head and slapped him across the face.

The task force gasped in unison. L said nothing.

"See? Matsu is on Misa-Misa's side! Come here!"

There's a fifteen – no, sixteen percent chance that Amane-san will try and kiss me to get back at Light; there's an eighty-four percent chance that she'll put her arm around me or something of that nature.

Oh, what the hell.

He walked over to Misa. Before he had even reached the furious blond, she'd wrapped her arms around his neck and was standing on her tiptoes to press her lips against his.

So this was what it felt like to kiss a girl. Or rather, to be kissed by one, since he had no idea what to do with his lips and, as a result, was just kind of keeping them there. In a moment of exploration, he forced his tongue into her mouth. Misa tasted like something artificial – probably lipstick.

After a few moments, Misa pulled away, leaving L standing there looking dazed. "Matsu, you're a terrible kisser," she commented before turning to Light and Matsuda to say, "See?"

L didn't know what it was – the lack of sweets, watching Matsuda kiss Light, or just kissing Misa – but suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. He had only a second to gasp out, "I'm going to be sick," before vomiting all over the floor.

Light stared at him. Matsuda stared at him. The entire task force stared at him. Misa stared him, screamed in frustration, and stormed out of the building.

A minute of silence. Then…

"Yes! Thanks, Matsuda!" Aizawa cheered.

"Now, Aizawa," said Soichiro, "you shouldn't-"

"Are you kidding me? I've been waiting to get rid of that bitch since she got here!" Everyone sweat-dropped.

"Erm, L?" Matsuda turned to look at him wearily. "Can I… uh… talk you for a second? Alone?" He gestured to the handcuffs. Because Matsuda thought Light was not Kira, he didn't mind getting the key from his pocket and uncuffing them.

He followed the chief into the next room, head low. Though he wasn't a genius, Matsuda could tell this conversation was going to be awkward.

"So… Ryuzaki…" Soichiro started as the door closed behind them. "What is going on?"

"Whatever do you mean?" He would try to feign innocence, even though he was far from it.

"Kissing my son! It's hardly appropriate for you to do that in the middle of the investigation. Is there something going on between you and Light?"

Matsuda hesitated. What was he supposed to say when he had no idea? So he closed his eyes and blurted out the first answer that came to his head.

"Yes. We are… boyfriends."

Soichiro gaped and turned red. Matsuda wondered if he was going to punch him, as he saw his fists clench.

"Oh… kay…. Give me some… time… Now…" Matsuda nodded, not wanting to get hurt for the third time that day. The chief left the rooming, hyperventilating.

Back in the main room, L was having an even more awkward time. Since they obviously weren't getting anywhere with the Kira case any time soon, Aizawa and Mogi were chatting about what just happened while L listened and Light tried to sort out his confusion.

"What was Ryuzaki thinking?" Aizawa wondered aloud. He said to Light, "Is there something going on between you guys?"

"No!" said Light. "I have no idea why he did it – he's so weird. Half things he does don't even make sense."

"You got that right," Aizawa agreed.

_So this is what they think of me…._ L thought.

"But Matsuda, that was awesome," continued Aizawa. "Thanks for getting Misa out of here."

"Oh, you're welcome." L tried to smile. "I figured there was a twelve percent chance that she would leave if I threw up."

Why was everyone staring at him? What had he said wrong?

"Matsuda…you sound like Ryuzaki," Light told him. "His stupid percentages must be rubbing off on you."

_L, you idiot._

"Hehe, yeah, Ryuzaki's weirdness must be rubbing off on me…."

**Two Hours Later**

After a long, nearly sugarless day of watching an idiot posing as him flirt with and kiss Light, failing at gossiping, and making out with Misa, the last thing L wanted to do was go on a date. Actually, that was probably true for any day, no matter how good or bad. He had absolutely no experience with girls, gay men, or even bisexual men, and he's never really desired any. Except for- no, he wouldn't think about that. Light's opinion of him was ruined by now.

So he wasn't the most pleased when his- no, Matsuda's – cell phone buzzed with a text from some girl named Yuki that read: _Hey sweetie, don't forget to meet me at Choi Wang at 8! __ 3_

L turned angrily to Aizawa, who was at the computer next to his. "Where's Ryuzaki?" he spat.

"I think he's in his room…"

Before he'd finished, L was marching over to the elevator. When he reached his room, he found Matsuda and Light asleep on the bed. _Is that really what I look like when I sleep?_

Instead of nudging him or telling him to wake up, L got some cold water from the bathroom and splashed it on his face. Matsuda jerked his head up while Light remained asleep.

"What was that for?" He'd jerked on the chair by mistake, causing Light to wake up. He looked surprised when he saw L standing in front of the bed.

"Why are you in here, Matsuda?" Light questioned groggily, rubbing his eyes.

L shoved the phone in front of Matsuda's face and let him read it. Matsuda paled visibly.

"Get up," L announced. "You guys are coming with me."

"What? Where?" said Light as Matsuda got up without protest and moved to follow L, who was headed for the door. Light was forced to tag along, being dragged by the chain.

L turned around. "Choi Wang. I'm going on a date."

Light rolled his eyes and got up. L could just here him mutter, "Matsuda, you idiot," before they left the room.

They arrived at Choi Wang via Watari's car at eight o'clock sharp. A stout girl with a pixie hair cut ran up to L and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Tou-Tou, it's so good to see you!" she squealed in a voice almost as high as Misa's. L embraced her awkwardly in a sort of half-hug.

_I really shouldn't be surprised that Matsuda's girlfriend is an idiot as well_.

Yuki pulled away after about ten seconds and asked, "Who are these two?" as she gestured to Light and Matsuda.

"Oh, they are just… some friends. Do you mind if they dine with us this evening?"

Yuki's face fell slightly, but she just shrugged and said, "Sure, why not?"

_Well, at least she's nicer than Amane-san. A tad more rational._

"But why are they handcuffed?"

Crap.

L hadn't thought about that.

Fortunately, he was a genius.

He laughed and scratched his head in his best imitation of Matsuda. "They're huge anime freaks and love to cosplay all the time."

"Oh!" Yuki laughed. Her face looked like the female version of Matsuda's- childlike and innocent. "Which anime?"

"'Papa to Kiss in the Dark," Matsuda blurted without thinking. Yuki looked at him strangely.

"Really? Which characters?"

"Let's go in," said L before Matsuda could say anything else.

They entered the restaurant and got a table. Matsuda and Light sat next to each other, as did L and Yuki.

When the time came to order, L had some trouble. He wanted to ask for a dessert menu, but he knew that he shouldn't eat sweets.

"Uh…er…I'll just have whatever he's having…." He gestured awkwardly to Light before handing the waitress his menu.

Matsuda didn't even think about it, as usual.

"Same here."

Light glanced at the two suspiciously. He ordered and so did Yuki. Once the waitress left, the four people glanced at each other, each looking for a topic.

"So, Tou-tou, how's your puppy…Fifi, isn't it?" said Yuki at last.

Light snickered. So did L a little bit before answering, "Fine, I guess."

"What kind is she again?"

"Cockapoo…right, Matsuda-san?" Matsuda interjected before L could say the wrong thing. L nodded.

"Yes. Fifi the Cockapoo…." Light coughed to cover up a snort of laughter.

"So, Light, is it?" Yuki questioned. Said person nodded. "Are you two a couple?"

Light blushed and looked at Matsuda, expecting him to say no, of course they weren't. But, of course, Matsuda had to say the worst answer possible.

"Yeah, we are." He threw his arm around Light's neck. Light jerked away.

L wasn't surprised; no, he definitely wasn't stupid enough to be surprised. L was pissed.

"Aww, that's so cute! I've never known a gay person before! This is awesome!" Her high-pitched voice was starting to make L's ears bleed.

She continued like that for the rest of the date. Even after they finished eating, Yuki was still going on about unimportant crap.

"...You know? It's like, if you're going to make a banana smoothie, you should still-"

"KINDLY BE SILENT," L interrupted loudly.

"But Tou-tou…." She sounded close to tears. L resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Never call me that again. You may talk to me when you learn to listen to others. Let's go."

Well that was one way to get back at Matsuda: being rude to his girlfriend nearly to the point of making her cry.

Matsuda glared at L, probably thinking something along the lines of, _what the hell was that for?_

The drive back to headquarters was silent and tense. Mogi was the first to greet them.

"How was the date?"

"Interesting," said Matsuda as he shot a look of pure evil in L's direction. L walked over to his computer, seeming unfazed.

"L." A white screen with Watari's black W appeared on every screen.

"Yes, Watari?" said L. The task force was confused: why was Matsuda answering when Watari asked for L?

"The machine is fixed. I can now get you back into your own bodies."

"Thank you, Watari. We shall be there soon," L replied.

"Wait, what?" Light jerked to a halt as they neared the door, causing Matsuda to stop as well. L in Matsuda's body turned and answered.

"Watari asked Matsuda-san and I to try out a machine that was supposed to increase the IQ of one to match that of another. So I volunteered Matsuda-san and myself for it. The machine malfunctioned, and somehow we switched bodies. It has been like this since this morning. We didn't want to tell anyone since we thought it would mess you all up, and we thought it could be easily fixed. Plus it was illegal."

Light was frozen, his face flushing red with emotion.

"So, Matsuda, it was you who kissed me? That was all you?" Matsuda in L's body nodded meekly.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHY?" L glanced at the task force, who were looking on in awe and confusion. He noticed Soichiro turning red and glaring at Matsuda.

"Oh, come on! I can't be the only one who noticed!" Matsuda threw his arms up. "They are so hot for each other!"

_Way to make it even more awkward_, thought L.

Light was too pissed for words. After a few moments, he requested in a stoic voice, "Un-handcuff us, Matsuda."

The young man complied. Once he was free, Light went to the elevator, presumably to go to his room and sulk.

"Someone please watch him on the monitors," L commanded after the teen had left. "Matsuda-san, we must go." L continued walking with Matsuda trailing behind.

LLLLLLLLLLLLL

"Whew! It feels good to be back to normal!" Matsuda exclaimed, stretching his arms high above his head as he and L walked down the hallway.

"Yes it is, Matsuda-san. I think you should apologize to Light-kun. That was impolite of you."

Matsuda's face fell. "Fine. But I have to know."

"Know what?"

"If you like him! And you know what I mean by 'like'."

L was silent until they reached the doors.

"Perhaps, Matsuda-san, perhaps," he said finally. Matsuda grinned. This would work out just fine.

"Hey Aizawa, where's Light?" Matsuda asked as they walked into the room.

"He's in his room. I think you should-"

"Go apologize. Yeah, I'm going."

Matsuda almost expected L to follow, but he just slouched over to his computer. _Guess I'm on my own_.

He went up to Light and L's room, wondering what to say. Matsuda decided an, "I'm sorry," would do. It was genius.

When he knocked on the door, there was no answer. Matsuda sighed and opened the door a crack. Light was sitting on the bed, head in his hands.

"Hey, Light."

"I don't want to hear it."

"But I wanted to-"

"I don't care."

"I'm so-"

"Save it. You know how much I'm against using peoples' feelings."

"But it doesn't mean-"

Light looked up at him sad eyes. "Go away, Matsuda."

Matsuda felt extremely guilty, but he left to go back downstairs. When he's told the others what had happened, L sighed.

"Light-kun is very stubborn…Alright. I'll talk to him. We must reattach our handcuffs as well." L grabbed them and headed for the elevator, leaving Matsuda feeling like crap.

He didn't bother knocking.

"Light-kun." Without even turning around, Light held out his wrist. Ryuzaki handcuffed them once more.

"I do apologize, Light-kun. If I'd known what Matsuda-san was going to do, I wouldn't have-"

"I know."

Silence filled the room. Then-

"He is such an idiot!" Light burst out. He finally looked L, his eyes burning. The detective was surprised.

"Matsuda-san?"

"Yes! How can he go around assuming stuff like that? How can he know how we feel?" He went on and on, and L let him. Light needed to get this out somehow.

The entire task force stared at the screen, watching Light pour out his soul. This was better than a movie. This was-

The screen changed to a W.

"Oh, come on!" yelled Matsuda. "It was just getting good!"

"Sorry," said Watari, "but I think they deserve a little privacy."

"…really stupid. And it was so random! Just kissing me like that? I mean, I kind of liked it, but-" Light, realizing his error, screeched to a halt, eyes wide.

L was even more shocked. _Light-kun likes me? Like I like him?_ He had no idea how to handle this kind of stuff. He'd just go with it.

He voiced his thoughts: "Light-kun likes me?"

"N-no Ryuzaki, that's not what I meant!"

"But you just said you liked being kissed by me."

"Well, m-maybe, but-"

"But?"

Light's face was the color of a ripe tomato. He felt like a fool almost as much as he looked like one.

Suddenly he couldn't stop talking.

"Idon'tknowifIlikeditImeanI''sgottobeitsosorryifyou-"

He was saved from more craziness by L's lips. On his.

And that made all the shit Matsuda put him through worthwhile.

Their kiss was awkward at first, but thank god L was a quick learner, or it might have ended there. Light's lips began moving against L's, asking for entrance that the detective soon granted him. They both moaned when their tongues met, and from then on, it was a battle for dominance.

Light was straddling L, lips on his neck, when they heard a knock at the door. He quickly got off as L called breathlessly, "Come in."

Watari opened the door, internally smiling at their disheveled appearances and bruised lips. Matsuda was right behind him.

"Yes, Watari?"

"I believe I have perfected the machine." L raised a nonexistent eyebrow.

"I do not believe Matsuda-san or I would be interested in-"

"I was not asking for you, Ryuzaki." Watari looked at Light. "Yagami-kun, would you be interested in trying in with Amane-san? I'm sure it would make for an interesting time."

The three young men looked at him in horror.

"NO!"


End file.
